Common grief reactions and when it gets complicated….
Grief usually results from any loss, be it a person/relationship, something of material value or even a hope, dream or an important goal. The typical grief response can include strong negative feelings and can be accompanied by changes in a person’s body, thoughts, behavior and relationships.
Some reactions that are common and part of the normal process of dealing with loss and grief include feelings of numbness, sadness, loneliness, yearning, anger, anxiety (ranging from insecurity to panic), helplessness and guilt. At times there might even be a sense of freedom or relief for some if their relationship with an individual or grieving event was complex, difficult or challenging in some way.
Grief may also be accompanied by thoughts of confusion, disbelief, preoccupation with the person or event, a sense of presence and even visual or auditory hallucinations. Some find that their everyday living gets impacted by feelings of fatigue, sleep and appetite changes, difficulties with memory and concentration, restlessness and either avoidance of or a desire to be closer to the relationship or experience and reminders thereof.
The experience of grief is highly individualized and is not linear and does not necessarily follow a step by step approach. Grief reactions can sometimes be immediate and for others it is delayed. The intensity and length of grieving is also vastly unique and there are no expectations of how long it should take one to “get over” their loss.
Instead the factors that determine how grief looks like for you might be determined by the nature of your relationship, how strong your bond or sense of attachment was and the circumstances around the loss. Your prior level of mental and emotional wellness, resources and coping skills, support systems and your personality all impact your personal experience of grief.
Social variables such as culture and traditions might also influence one’s grieving process. Perceptions and attitudes around grief vary from culture to culture and sometimes inform what grief “should” look like. There can also be certain guidelines and rituals for behavior that can either be helpful in providing channels for expression, but however, these can also be prescriptive and a hindrance to the grieving process as well.
What matters most for effective grief work is recognizing that you are a unique individual, reflecting on the factors highlighted above and giving yourself permission to experience the process in a manner that feels most authentic to you. Just as the body needs to heal physically, the process of grieving brings emotional healing and restores equilibrium and this is a journey.
If you have experienced a loss of any kind take time to work through the feelings, thoughts, memories and meaning surrounding the loss. A wide range of mixed feelings can be associated with grief – allow yourself to express all of these feelings without reservation.
It can be helpful to resume some of your typical activities such as work and other routines, but do not avoid dealing with the feelings and thoughts. Make sure there is space to grieve. If you prefer time to yourself to reflect, make this known to those around you – grief is individual, do what feels right for you. Writing can also be a therapeutic exercise, a good way to release lingering thoughts and feelings.
Take care of your health. Grieving is stressful and impacts on you physically – monitor your sleep, immunity, blood pressure etc. Short term medication or supplements can be very helpful. Eat well, practice relaxation techniques and exercise where possible for a positive affect your hormones and body chemistry. Numbing the pain through alcohol, drugs, excessive medication etc. covers up your pain and prolongs it in the long run.
Talking through your grief process with a trusted friend, family member or professional can greatly assist. Group support (others experiencing grief or a religious small group) can be a good place for empathy and support.
Grief is a part of human life, however it can get complex and challenging for some. If you are feeling overwhelmed or have persistent negative thoughts or depressed feelings, it may be necessary to get professional support.
One might be having difficulty adjusting to loss if there is:
- a sense of denial or distortion of reality
- downplaying of the meaning of the relationship – “we weren’t close”, “I won’t miss her”, that didn’t mean anything to me etc.
- selective forgetting – aspects of the person or relationship that may be very meaningful but get cut off
- avoidance or suppression of painful emotions or trying to short circuit the grieving process by cutting off feelings
- not paying attention to anger efficiently/turning anger inward toward themselves.
- protracted guilt
- panic attacks
- helplessness, withdrawal from their world or falling into a state of depression
When grief becomes complex, therapy can help to facilitate your adaptation and develop the required skills needed to cope. Furthermore, if there is ongoing distress, long term stress, repeated experiences of trauma, there can be a higher risk of one developing accompanying psychological difficulties such as anxiety, depression or post traumatic stress disorder. Not working effectively through grief might also result in a reluctance to reinvest in new/other relationships or opportunities for fear of future loss.