Betrayal Trauma
Understanding Betrayal Trauma
Any form of betrayal can be emotionally painful, but when someone you rely on to honour your needs and support your well-being breaks your trust, the impact can be long-lasting. At the Therapy Collective we recognise that betrayal is a form of trauma that can ensue when friendships, parents and family members, trusted authority figures or romantic partners act in ways that shakes the foundations of the relationship.
Psychologist Jennifer Freyd first introduced the idea of betrayal trauma, defining it as a form of trauma that occurs within important relationships where the betrayed person relies on the betrayer for care, safety, or support. Such harm occurring within attachment-based relationships, such as between a parent and child or within a romantic partnership, can lead to deep and lasting trauma.
In particular, the devastation that follows discovery that a romantic partner has been unfaithful or that there may be compulsive sexual behaviour at play, is complex and multi-layered leading to ongoing hurt and inner conflict. Relationships are built on shared values and expectations, the boundaries that shape how the relationship functions. In a monogamous partnership, for example, both people typically have a mutual understanding of what constitutes cheating and trust each other to uphold that agreement. When a partner is unfaithful, they break that shared understanding. Although in romantic relationships, betrayal most commonly appears as infidelity, other violations, such as financial deceit or other secrets, can also trigger a trauma response.
In many situations, people cope with betrayal by distancing themselves from the person who hurt them. However, this isn’t always possible when you depend on that person to meet essential needs and some may feel compelled to tolerate it. Likewise, someone without financial stability, a strong support network or resources outside the relationship and those who have children, might feel that confronting the betrayal or leaving the relationship could jeopardise their safety. For others in a romantic relationship, their survival may not depend on their partner, but they still likely rely on them for affection, emotional support, and a sense of connection. Betrayal trauma generally describes the ongoing hurt and inner conflict that can follow as a result.
How Betrayal Trauma Affects Daily Life
The trauma of betrayal can affect physical and mental health, but the specific effects can vary depending on the type of trauma and the fact that not everyone experiences trauma in the same way.
At The Therapy Collective, we see trauma not only as what happens to you, but what happens inside of you as a result of what happens to you.
Some of the more common reactions include :
- Shock, emotional numbness;
- Anger, resentment, rage
- Shame, humiliation, guilt;
- Diminished self-esteem and self-worth;
- Intense sadness, grief;
- Difficulty managing emotions;
- Intrusive thoughts;
- Loss of trust in others;
- Heightened suspicion and vigilance;
- Symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns;
- Physical sickness and other effects like trouble sleeping, pain, or digestive issues;
- Other symptoms similar/common to PTSD.
An interesting feature of betrayal trauma that some experience is what we refer to as “betrayal blindness” . To preserve the relationship, and protect emotional stability, some might (often without realising it) choose to dismiss or overlook signs of infidelity rather than remain hyperaware of potential clues. Whether consciously or unconsciously, acknowledging the betrayal can feel dangerous, the betrayed person may push the trauma out of awareness. This avoidance can prevent them from fully processing what happened or even from remembering the betrayal accurately.
For some individuals, betrayal can trigger earlier painful experiences, even as far back as childhood. Attachment wounds and unhealthy relational patterns may surface as well.
How Therapy Can Help With Betrayal Trauma
After betrayal, it is common to struggle with trust, self confidence and the uncertainty of how you will meet the needs for belonging and connection going forward. The avalanche of thoughts, emotions, memories, questions and decisions can be immensely distressing.
Despite the best attempts to avoid, the thoughts and emotions associated with betrayal can pierce through your day at any time, and often unexpectedly, making emotional regulation difficult over time. Although leaning into the pain of betrayal can feel overwhelming, therapy can provide a safe and supportive space to start the recovery process. You can gently address your betrayal experience, identify the specific emotions and find healthier ways to cope.
Our Approach at The Therapy Collective
Our partner sensitive, trauma informed approach at The Therapy Collective means that we understand the course and complexity of betrayal trauma and are equipped to provide individual therapy that meets you where you are at, working together with you in a step- by- step way to determine what is possible for you to accomplish just day by day. Through empathy and compassion, we help you reestablish the primary need for a sense of safety, with a strong focus on self-care and building your inner strength and resources.
With expert knowledge and training in the APSATS Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model, our therapists help you move past self- blame and self-questioning, supporting your process through the grief and loss, evaluating what your betrayal experience and the impact means for you as well as building your resilience, empowering you to reconstruct your life going forward and make decisions that best serve you.
For those looking to give their relationship a second chance, our couple therapy can help you being to recognise the current needs, rebuild trust and safety and address any underlying unhealthy relational patterns. Even if you are uncertain about the future of the relationship, couple therapy can support you through establishing necessary boundaries and ways of relating, considering and setting up a therapeutic separation or with navigating interim decisions.